A few years ago I thought about a living will. Usually when you think about a will you think about inheriting millions of dollars (at least that's what the movies project). I thought about what I had to leave behind for my children cause Lord knows it wasn't a million dollars!
Since Shawn's passing and having to sort through her unfinished business it makes me think more about a living will. We sorted through her clothing, important papers and memorables and decided what we were going to keep that reminded us of her. I've been wearing her shoes, jewlery and hair accessories. My niece asked me why would I wear her mother's things. I explained to her that I wanted to feel close to my sister because I missed her so much. My niece told me that even though her mother was dead that she still needed her things in heaven to wear. Pretty insightful for a 7 year old! I told her that her mother would want me to wear her things so that I could feel closer to her. I promised my niece that I would not hurt or destroy her mother's things. We made sure that we set some things aside for both of my nieces (Briana & Mary) to remember their mother.
I think about what I have to leave behind for my children and grandchildren. I think about wether or not my brother would allow my children to be in control of my estate. I never thought far ahead enough to save money aside for them to have for their future. I've always struggled to take care of them so extra money was not really an option. With Shawn's death I've had to really consider death benefits (or life insurance). My boys are too old to receive my social security benefits. I think the most valuable things I have to give are my stories. The little creative parts of me that have more of me involved in them than anything else I own.
So, with this said, it's time for a little responsibility on my part. Budgeting to get life insurance so that my family is not bogged down trying to pay for the disposal of my body. Really taking stock of all of my personal liabilities as to not make my children & grandchildren be responsible for my legalities. Dividing up the few properties that I own between my children, grandchildren, siblings and my mother. It's amazing how the death of a loved one makes you stand up and take notice of your own "mad house".
Monday, October 12, 2009
Friday, October 9, 2009
Triggers
A light whisper calling
My name in the night
Shouts of laughter
Screams of delight
A bond born with siblings
A celebration of life
A love like no other
Forever my light bright
My sister lived and suffered from ADHD and Bipolar disorder before she passed away. In a fit of anger over her passing my brother explained his fear and stigma of the disease by stating that I was next to die because I too live with Bipolar disorder. When I asked him why would he think that he stated that since we shared the same disability and our bought with medications that more than likely I would suffer the same fate as my sister.
I have tried to explain to my family that just because I live with biplor disorder that it is not a death sentence. Yes there are times when my depression moments bring me to suicidal tendencies and my manic moments cause me to do things that are out of the ordinary or frustrate me to the point that I become angry and agitated very easily. Just as I tried to explain to my sister before she passed that there is a way to control the moods and function among those who consider themselves "normal". She wasn't ready to take control of her disorder so that she could "live" as opposed to "suffer" with it. She wanted people to feel sorry for her but at the same time understand her. I wanted to teach her that it's hard for people to understand what she herself could not understand of her disorder.
So now begins the triggers.......
When I was diagnosed in 2006 people began to pay an unusual amount of attention to me. Always asking if I were ok. I couldn't understand why it was so important to pay attention to me now as opposed to the extreme hard times when I really needed it and no one knew I was alive. I often wonder if my sister had the same experiences. It triggers me when my brother says I'm next to die due to my disorder. I think about the suicidal times and how God didn't feel it was my time to go home. I think about why God felt it was my sister's time to go home.... Why at 37 was it her time to go? Why when she was finally finding a way to cope with her self esteem and trying desperately to get herself together was it time for her to go home? Why didn't I have enough time to be with her to teach her good coping skills for her disorder? Why, God, Why?
I don't want my family to keep a closer eye on me due to the fear of wondering if I'm going to die next because my symptoms got out of control.
Trigger #2:
My niece says "Auntie, I want to be just like you!"
You would think this is the best compliment in the world. I guess in some cases it is. When I think about her mom trying to be like me and the trouble it caused her it makes me cringe. It amazes me that my siblings are jealous of me. I'm not sure why but they are (by their own admission). I have never been very stable, always moving around. I suck with money and my sense of style is in a class all by itself. My self esteem is in the toilet and I don't even like myself! So why be jealous of me?? Since I've been in Cali with my family and helping with my niece I have enjoyed her tremendously. Doing homework with her, spelling words, walking her to school, bathtime, etc. It feels like it did when my boys were younger and when I used to have my grands all the time. When I think about the person I see myself as it scares me shitless to wish that on such an innocent soul. "Just like you auntie!" How can I make things wonderful for her to have a positive view to want to be herself and make life simple for her.
Trigger #3
You are the spark and we want you to come back home
I get my sense of humor from my mom. She is the most hilarious person I know. My sense of humor keeps me afloat and keeps me from loosing complete control of reality. As much as I miss my family living on the East Coast I recognize my need to live far away from them. I see the drama and I worry about worrying my mother too much. But at the same time I know that they need me to be closer. It's hard for me to have a life of my own when I'm too close. Then at the same time I feel like I'm being selfish for wanting such a thing.
I'm trying desperately to hold it together and be strong for my family through our time of grief. I feel overwhelmed at times and I know that at some point that I'm going to have to let it all go but right now there is no time for that. Only one person at a time for grief. If I grieve then everyone wants to know if my disorder is out of control or if I'm going to be suicidal myself. With the depression looming around the corner I worry if I will be able to handle it along with the grief.
My name in the night
Shouts of laughter
Screams of delight
A bond born with siblings
A celebration of life
A love like no other
Forever my light bright
My sister lived and suffered from ADHD and Bipolar disorder before she passed away. In a fit of anger over her passing my brother explained his fear and stigma of the disease by stating that I was next to die because I too live with Bipolar disorder. When I asked him why would he think that he stated that since we shared the same disability and our bought with medications that more than likely I would suffer the same fate as my sister.
I have tried to explain to my family that just because I live with biplor disorder that it is not a death sentence. Yes there are times when my depression moments bring me to suicidal tendencies and my manic moments cause me to do things that are out of the ordinary or frustrate me to the point that I become angry and agitated very easily. Just as I tried to explain to my sister before she passed that there is a way to control the moods and function among those who consider themselves "normal". She wasn't ready to take control of her disorder so that she could "live" as opposed to "suffer" with it. She wanted people to feel sorry for her but at the same time understand her. I wanted to teach her that it's hard for people to understand what she herself could not understand of her disorder.
So now begins the triggers.......
When I was diagnosed in 2006 people began to pay an unusual amount of attention to me. Always asking if I were ok. I couldn't understand why it was so important to pay attention to me now as opposed to the extreme hard times when I really needed it and no one knew I was alive. I often wonder if my sister had the same experiences. It triggers me when my brother says I'm next to die due to my disorder. I think about the suicidal times and how God didn't feel it was my time to go home. I think about why God felt it was my sister's time to go home.... Why at 37 was it her time to go? Why when she was finally finding a way to cope with her self esteem and trying desperately to get herself together was it time for her to go home? Why didn't I have enough time to be with her to teach her good coping skills for her disorder? Why, God, Why?
I don't want my family to keep a closer eye on me due to the fear of wondering if I'm going to die next because my symptoms got out of control.
Trigger #2:
My niece says "Auntie, I want to be just like you!"
You would think this is the best compliment in the world. I guess in some cases it is. When I think about her mom trying to be like me and the trouble it caused her it makes me cringe. It amazes me that my siblings are jealous of me. I'm not sure why but they are (by their own admission). I have never been very stable, always moving around. I suck with money and my sense of style is in a class all by itself. My self esteem is in the toilet and I don't even like myself! So why be jealous of me?? Since I've been in Cali with my family and helping with my niece I have enjoyed her tremendously. Doing homework with her, spelling words, walking her to school, bathtime, etc. It feels like it did when my boys were younger and when I used to have my grands all the time. When I think about the person I see myself as it scares me shitless to wish that on such an innocent soul. "Just like you auntie!" How can I make things wonderful for her to have a positive view to want to be herself and make life simple for her.
Trigger #3
You are the spark and we want you to come back home
I get my sense of humor from my mom. She is the most hilarious person I know. My sense of humor keeps me afloat and keeps me from loosing complete control of reality. As much as I miss my family living on the East Coast I recognize my need to live far away from them. I see the drama and I worry about worrying my mother too much. But at the same time I know that they need me to be closer. It's hard for me to have a life of my own when I'm too close. Then at the same time I feel like I'm being selfish for wanting such a thing.
I'm trying desperately to hold it together and be strong for my family through our time of grief. I feel overwhelmed at times and I know that at some point that I'm going to have to let it all go but right now there is no time for that. Only one person at a time for grief. If I grieve then everyone wants to know if my disorder is out of control or if I'm going to be suicidal myself. With the depression looming around the corner I worry if I will be able to handle it along with the grief.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
