Living

In 2006 I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and it felt as though somone had given me a death sentence. I was angry, bitter, and violent then I became secluded. I am not the kind of person who likes to allow others to see herself out of control so I wouldn't allow myself to go out into the public. I felt like a sign had been hung on my chest saying "You were right about me... I really am CRAZY!"

As Google became my best friend, due to all of my searches to learn as much as I could about the disorder, I began to see that the things I had done throughout my life began to make a lot of sense. The severity of my highs and lows were not just a normal part of life but apart of something more than myself. I never really thought about how I came through that time in life because I needed to survive and take care of my children. There was no time to sit back and analize every single event or reasoning. My children were my first and ONLY priority! Not that they didn't suffer or rejoice in my highs and lows. Lord knows they experienced more of my highs than the lows. I was pretty good about hiding the depression parts. But, man.... when I was manic and EXTREMELY MANIC they had the time of their lives.

When I became alone for the first time ever was when my walls all came crashing down and I had to face a new reality. I had to figure out how to take care of JUST ME! I had to realize that I was IMPORTANT enough to take care of and on top of that LIKE! Wow, just the thought of that right now is still a total trip to have to LIKE myself enough to want to take care of ME! And, to take it one step further to find myself important enough to contemplate what I wanted out of life was an even bigger stretch. The first time I was hospitalized for this disorder I had to share my experiences in a group. I was severly depressed and I refused to eat, refused to socialize, refused to come out of my room but I talked when I had to. People kept staring at me in amazement and asking me the same question...

HOW DID YOU FUNCTION?

This is an amazing question. I've asked myself this question a million times and the only answer I have is...

I HAD NO CHOICE!

I had children to feed, clothe and to provide for. I laid down, had sex and gave birth to them therefore they were MY responsibility....no one else's MINE! So, I was robotic. I got up, I crawled, I begged, I pleaded I even did some illegal things (that I'm not going to mention here) to make sure that they were provided for and taken care of. I'm not proud of everything that I've done nor do I think I deserve the mother of the year award. But they survived ME! Poor boys! When I ask them about their childhoods the worst thing they say is that I worked too much and obsessed over EVERYTHING!

So now we come to today when I have to live on my own and take care of me. I've thought of suicide many times. I've thought that my children are grown and don't need me anymore. My sister told me that I was being selfish and that I had allowed myself to believe I had a disease that I didn't have to receive money that I don't deserve so that I didn't have to work! She said that I needed to get a grip and get off my ass and go to work like normal people and get a normal paycheck and stop trippin! That hurt my feelings so much. I pondered long and hard about what she said. Thinking about all the struggling I did to make sure that my boys were provided for, thinking about how the only worth I ever thought I had was through my boys then finally thinking about how I had to learn to care about myself enough to want to provide for myself. So I picked myself up, dusted myself off and decided to learn. I moved away from my family to an area that I knew absolutely NO ONE and went to school to learn about my disorder. I graduated, I got a job in the mental health field and now I'm being asked to help others learn about their disorders too!

Yes I LIVE with bipolar disorder but it doesn't dominate me. My symptoms get the best of me at times and I have to ride them out with lots of prayer and love through my family (even though they are 3000 miles away) but I come out on top and smelling like a rose.