Ms. Independent

According the dictionary Independence means:

Not dependent; not depending or contingent upon something else for existence, operation, etc. Not relying on another or others for aid or support.

I've been called Ms. Independent a lot lately and it's not necessarily a compliment! I've been told by friends & aquaintences that they don't need to worry about me because I'm so independent that I don't need assistance in anything even when I ask for it! My question is, since when is independence such a bad thing?

I am #3 of 4 children that my mother raised all on her own. Because I talked too much as a child no one talked to me very often for fear that I might blab it out so I was kept in the dark about many things. I watched my mother (an independent woman) go to school, work and struggle to provide for the 4 of us as best she could on her own. So I learned very valuable lessons early on in life about how to take care of what needed to be done. I learned that if you wanted to eat, have shelter or the things you needed in life then you have to work for it. Of course I had the fantasy that all little girls have which is to find my knight in shining armor, marry well and have my husband take care of me for the rest of my life.

THEN I WOKE UP!!!

I got pregnant my senior year in high school and my boyfriend left so I had to learn how to be a single mom. I used to look at my son and think he was the most beautiful doll I had ever owned! Mama gave me the blues about having a baby saying that I was not going to be able to do anything that I wanted to do because I would be bogged down by this responsibility that I had given myself. I had to prove her wrong! I took my son everywhere I went and we had a blast! Then I met my first husband at a party that I threw for my brother. Didn't think much of him when I met him and tried desperately to make him leave me alone but alas he grew on my like a wart and I allowed him to talk me into marrying him. So I played the housewife. Didn't know much about how to do that considering I was 21 and couldn't cook! Not that it mattered, he ate at his mom's house everyday anyway so I only had to feed me and my son. I believed the fairytale that the husband works and takes care of the bills and I'm supposed to be home with my son and try to have a happy house for my husband when he came home. YEAH, RIGHT! I tried to learn how to cook but I sucked at it royally. My husband wasn't taking care of the bills because all the bill collectors kept calling wondering how come they didn't get paid. So I learned that my husband was taking the child support money that I was giving him (it was my only income since I wasn't working) and was doing God knows what with the money because he wasn't taking care of business or buying food for the house. I wasn't allowed to drive the new car he bought or allowed to leave the house without him in tow. I got tired of that real fast. I have never been the type of woman to allow ANYONE to control me and I learned to do for myself and my son not to mention the fact that I was pregnant with another child. We went through hell and high water and a lot of physical abuse (on both sides of the coin because I wasn't going to stand idley by while he kicked my ass. He got his share of ass whoopins too!) before I finally got out with both of my boys.

I was on my own for the first time in my life with 2 children. I applied for welfare and found a job and got another man. This man was a dream. I married him and spoiled him rotten. A little too rotten! I actually learned how to cook, learned how to be a "girly girl", learned how to be the freak he needed in a woman/wife! He was a good husband (in the begining). He provided for me and my children and treated them as his own as I treated his son as my own. We had a beautiful life (on the outside). Of course things began to crumble, a little here a little there as he became unfaithful time and again. He came to me with heavy duty baggage but as long as we were together (us against the world) then I was willing to help him with his baggage and endure all that a REAL marriage had to offer. I couldn't understand his need to cheat when I was giving him all that he desired (including menage trio) and then some but it didn't end. Now I'm no angel, I wanted to teach him a lesson so I did my share of cheating too and did it right in his face AND got so bold as to tell him about it (he never believed me though) but it didn't stop him from roaming. After 6 years of marriage we ended it.

Once again I was on my own with my sons. Only this time things had really changed for me. I was turning 30 and I had lost my mind! I descovered freedom. I finally understood what my mom was talking about all those years ago. I went to night clubs, met men, hung out till all hours of the night and it was fun! Of course I worked exahustive hours and I made time for my boys and sat in their classrooms and helped and looked out for them. I took care of it all...ON MY OWN! I brought home the bacon, paid the bills, cooked, cleaned and made time to spend with my boys and show them the fun in life. I wouldn't allow men to flirt with me around them (that used to piss me off so badly. I felt it was disrespectful to hit on me in front of my boys). Didn't want to bring anothe male figure into their worlds who was not going to stick around. But I was Ms. Independent who provided for herself and her family.

Fast forward to a life on my own (without children). Even though I feel more vulnerable now than I ever did when I was younger I still have to be Ms. Independent. I've got no one to rely on, no one I can call on to make sure that I am provided for. I have to work, I have to make due with what I have...ME ME ME ME ME ME ME! So what's so wrong about being independent. I've learned (often the hard way) that if I don't make it happen then it won't happen. Even when I ask for help it is often not given or I'm rejected. I get tired of being rejected, I get tired of helping others and being there for others but not having anyone be there for me when I need it. I feel like I'm being SELFISH! So in response to that I HAVE TO DO IT ALONE!

So, after all my ranting and raving I guess I'm saying that Ms. Independent has needs too. Not just sexual ones (although that is quite a need) but I have the need to lean on someone else for a change, I want to have companionship, friends..... Someday, it'll happen.